Upside down, or maybe inside out

It seems to me that the general belief is that the better we become as people, the better we will feel about ourselves. When we have obtained much knowledge, we should feel intelligent. When we have perseverently practiced a skill, we should feel talented. When we have taken good care of our physical bodies, we should feel confident in our appearance. And yet, this is not true in most cases! The more we learn, the more we realize we don't really know all that much in comparison to the vast amount of knowledge there is to obtain. The more we become well-versed in a skill, the more we want to improve. And no matter how much we exercise & eat right, were still self-conscious & insecure. This just does not make sense. But it is comforting. I have been trying to step back and let Wisdom change & prune me, but after all this time, I only am so much more aware of my stink.
So I guess its not always a bad thing to feel less (fill-in-the-blank) because it may mean that you've actually improve. And if that is true, we need to be most cautious of the areas we feel confident and secure in because they may be the weakest!
Therefore I won't let the feeling that I haven't improved at all (which is probably a sign that I actually have improved) get me down. For life is a journey and I have no intention to stop traveling.

Last summer

I keep thinking about how wonderful last summer was. When my mind drifts back to our Colorado adventure, a warm feeling spreads throughout my whole body. What a unique and wonderful experience it was! I am hopeful for more adventure life that. Jared and I - best friends, wide-eyed & idyllic. Perfection. Nirvana.

What to do when your credit card number is the same as my library card

Come back and blog about your "THIS IS ME!" dream.

Also, write about silence & solitude

Why blog?

Now that blogging is trendy, people seem to care a lot about what & how they write. Its as if there is an invisible contest to see who can be most reflective & deep while sounding both educated & poetic. I started a blog about this time last year because I figure I could write like that. I have deep revelations sometimes. And I figured that even if I couldn't come up with an originally beautiful thought, I could put in a good quote and still have a nice post.
This worked for a while, but then it felt as though it was missing something. Besides, it takes time to craft every word together well enough to stay in the "contest". There is tough competition out there!
I eventually forgot about my desire to blog at all. The desire would resurface occasionally, but I would remember the missing piece I felt, and therefore not return to blogging.
Then one day I realized why I didn't like blogging - I felt that there was discontinuity between who I was when I wrote posts and who I was in real life. The blog was only a small portion of who I was. I felt as though I was living out a piece of me in writing that I didn't show very often in day-to-day life. I think blogs and social media in general has created a place where people can be different than who they typically are. Sometimes this can be good (for example feeling the freedom to fully express ones creativity through writing, photography, cooking, etc...) or negative (creating a second identity,bullying, spreading rumors, internet affairs,  etc...) I had begun blogging for the former reason, but I became sucked into the latter reason. I could hide the "bad", confusing, challenging pieces of life in my writing and focus only on the "good" impressive stuff.
(Disclaimer: I am not saying all blogs are missing something or trying to compete in this invisible "contest" I mentioned earlier. There are a lot of very talented, genuine, honest people out there who aren't hiding anything. Maybe one day I will be like them. And then maybe one day I will have a public blog!)
So here I am once again writing in a blog. It is good for me to have a place to put some thoughts. In an effort to prevent a false self, I'm not going to share this space yet. Maybe down the road, but not yet. First I need to discover more of what it means to be me.

A new freedom

I can't really put into words what happened this weekend in a way that could fully convey the experience. On Friday I was me and then by Saturday night I felt free. Truly, I believe I have been on a journey towards freedom, but I summitted Saturday afternoon. I am hoping this is only the first of many peaks. The view from here gives me the courage to travel downward again so that I may rise on another mountain.

Smplcty

"Seek ye first God's kingdom and his righteousness." What does this mean, what do I have to do, or what sort of effort is it that can be said to seek or pursue the kingdom of God? Shall I try to get a job suitable to my talents and powers in order thereby to exert an influence? No, thou shalt first seek God's kingdom. Shall I then give all my fortune to the poor? No, thou shalt first seek God's kingdom. Shall I then go to proclaim this teaching to the world? No, thou shalt first seek God's kingdom. But then in a certain sense it is nothing that I do. Yes, certainly, in a certain sense it is nothing, become nothing before God, learn to keep silent; in this silence is the beginning, which is, first to seek God's kingdom. . .
Soren Kierkegaard




I don't know if there has been one day in my life I have pursued God's kingdom first.
I have also never thought about simplicity beginning with the interior, the mind & the heart. I had always thought of simplicity as primarily an outward action that creates an inward mentality. Now I see why it was so hard to keep up the outward action! It was as if I was building on a foundation of sand or gardening on a bed of concrete.

Serving: My new(old) life purpose

I have been feeling inadequate living back in the south suburbs because I haven't been able to find a steady job or make great strides in relationships with people here. For a while I thought it was Jared who was putting the pressure on me to work. I realized this pressure was actually coming from within - I was the one putting it on myself. I felt less valuable as a person because I wasn't contributing to society on a grand scale.
Then today I was given a new thought by the one who has never seen me for anything less than extremely valuable and important: To love & serve others without first receiving love & service is the greatest act humanity can do. I realized it does not matter on what scale this love & service is being given. The selfless act is, by its very nature, grandiose. 
Therefore, if I will love & serve those around me, without expecting anything in return, I am contributing to society! The willingness to begin a journey of selfless living is noble and has the potential of taking me to worlds beyond my wildest imagination.

*Morning note
*Gary Chapman

*Today Show